in the life of me

2004-03-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

why the fuck should i be ashamed of myself because my brother fell asleep in his car waiting for me to come out from work, and i didnt notice that he was fucking there!? sorry if i glance and see an empty car and dont thinnk.. "oh, well.. my brother must be sleeping in the car right there so i should make sure it is him!" where the fuck does it say i should do that anywhere!?> is there an invisible rule book called "101 ways to be ashamed of yourself if you dont do This!" fucking people are so fucking stupid!

2004-03-05T07:51:00.000-08:00

yah.. i should shouldnt I? wooow.. i havent been her inthe longest time... the hair cuts long past, and nope i sure didnt like it.. *raspberry* but it grew out so we'll see about getting another one... not the same as that last one... duh...

whats happened to Shannon in the past little while ... well... November i was in the hospital and got my gall bladder removed... that was very painful indeed...
christmas was good.. presents were awesome, i even got one from my brothers and sister, which is unusual cause they dont usually buy stuff for me...
new years was awesome... had a little gathering at home with justa couple ppl and we had the best time ever.. drinking.. and maybe a lil smoking *grins* we danced pretty much all night... ummmm
ohhh well.. Starbucks is going well.. i work there ya know.. i dont believe i've told you, but then again i cant remember anything i've said on this thing, so no worries, you're just hearing it one more time... and im promoted.. i am now a Shift, and i make lots of money, and i still like working there and the people are (sometimes *wink*wink*) awesome... we all get along wickedly and the customers are great.... i havent had any trouble......yet....
last week i went into the hospital again cause i was throwing up and had sever stomache pain, and i never throw up unless its something bad, like when i had the Gall stones? i was sick all night, and in lots and lots of pain, kinda like this pain except i think this time it was worse... i mean... i could hardly breathe at a couple of points, it just hurt too much, but thank god i went into the hospital.. they gave me Morphine and i was good... i've gotta go get ready for work, so i think i might chat in here every now and then... mayeb i'll start righting short stories? who knoes..
*~shanshan~*

2003-09-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

well.. i thought it would be ncie to update again...
i decided on friday that i was going to cut my hair, and i did! of course, everyone says that they dont like their new hair after a haircut, but thats only if they decide to change their whole look and try something new... and well..... yah, you guessed it..... i dont like it very much at all..... some say it takes time, but i dont think there is going to be enough time forme..... i mean.. they hairdresser did a good job and all, i just dont think it suits me personally.... now when i see myself, all i see is "cute" and i dont like "cute." but meh.. no point in whining.. its done and over with, and others say it looks good.. soo.. i might as well "go with the flow" :D

works going as good as can be...lots of shifts = lots of money :D
last wednesday i got a wisdom tooth removed, and just now the stitches popped out... i was sitting here reading a friends journal, and all of a sudden something was in my mouth, so i picked it out, and voila... my stitches.. hehehe they are dissolvable or something so they come out themselves... and oh my gosh, i finished whatching The King and I, and i like that movie .. it is sooo cute... i watched the original first, Anna and the king of Siam... not as good as the second i dont think... :D

anyway.. im off to clean my mouth out with yummmy salt water... ttfn
*~shanshan~*

2003-09-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

wellll.. this blog sure is dead.. ahah... but meh.. thats fine with me.. nothing really important or significant has happened to make me want to write... of course this really is suppose to be my thinking page.. or my selfish pitying page, which is now going to be for me.. if anyone still comes here, then i hope you enjoy it... cause you're probably going to see alot of me being selfish, but... everyone is in their own little way...

i've been bored really... everyone has gone away to college/ university, and have left me to myself, but of course, i also understand all the work that they need to do, so have no worries, i dont hate you ;)
i hope you're all enjoying school, and i hope you're meeting new and entertaining ppl.... of course you wont find anyone as good as me, but you'll just have to deal :D
working at starbucks is nice, i get good money, and the ppl there are pretty wicked...
i've been sick for the past week, and hopefully it'll all go away... i lost my hearing yesterday, but its back.. .. annnnnd..... i've got a cold and a cough, and i had a stuffy nose, but its gone... well.. kinda... im still snuffling....
anyway... i cant think of much to write, except live life, and have fun... yada yada yada... aha

cant wait till im 19! *dances*

*~shanshan~*

2003-07-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

hmmm.. i was just thinking this and i decided to write it down... the world is a pile of shit, and were its diapers.... no wait... the world is that diaper and we're the pile of shit rotting away because noone or nothing will come and clean it up. ... lol.. i really like that.. im a good thinker, dont ya think? its true though...

thanks brittany for reminding me of your blog.. i just went there... interesting you ppl are... its hard to decipher whos who, but its fun trying to guess, cause you just have to conclude what you think, of course thats only if you know who posts there... but yah.. fun fun.... that filming thing will be fun if you make it fun...

its funny how ppl find ways to try and make themselves unbored, when they are bored... the things people come up with... or the things people do.. lol... weird ppl they are..... not me.. never me...

hey........ imma meet my dream boy soon.. hes tall with blondy hair (although i like dark better) and ummm... like. blueish eyes.. and not athletic, but not fat.... lol.. good description i think... it'll be interesting to see what will happen in that little affair..... yes.. yes it will...

my losing weight resolution is at its head... im doing what i said i would do, and im happy that im doing it... lol... yay me.....course noone there to really celebrate with, cause you know how everyone hates me... :D

buh bye

*~shanshan~*

2003-07-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

This is some more of that excert i put into my blog a little while ago.. :D have a good laugh...

A loud voice rang clear through the crowd "Stop!"
Heads turned, and people froze. The girl beneath the crowd lay motionless. Sir Hatcher strode forward in long strides. "You people should be ashamed of yourselves! this young lass has done nothing to you, and yet you are willing to kill her? beat her like a beast? " he shook his head in disgust, and lifted the girl up. Taking her to the carriage he had come in, he turned, and told the crowd "Be gone, and dont dare lay a hand on this girl or else you will be brought to me." the finality of the command, and the steel voice had the villagers running off quietly.

bah, cant think no more.. but yah.. hahah.. thats some more.. pretty pointless unless im going to make a story out of it... we'll see....
how are you? whoever is interested in this pitiful blog?? having a good summer?
im alright... so happy school is finally out......

nothing interesting to write..
*~shanshan~*

2003-04-07T18:18:00.000-07:00

its ok brittany.. i've already been to your site.. plus.. i dont really like making fun of ppl.
and yes.. i did repeatedly say i dont care, and i wasnt going too, but i said that to you too.. talking about how i was repeating myself, cause i've said it a million times..
but anyway/// today was... fine.
i've almost finished my chapter for writers craft! yes! it sux.. but who cares!?
im going to go and watch road to perdition..than im off too bed...
tomorrow is gonna be a long, long, long day

brittany.. you just realized now that i didnt like being made fun of? your pretty slow .. :P
you find my site humourous or you find me bitching at everyone humourous?
im going now.. talk to you later... i guess...
buh bye
*~shanshan~*
hey.. did ya enjoy my site christina? hahahaha .. its awesome isnt it? see ya tomorrow.

2003-04-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

ahhh.. i love what i write
hahahah
im enjoying going over what i have written, and i have to say i am proud of myself.. who would have thought little old me could come up with some of the shit i come up with?
isnt it funny how ppl.. some anyway... jump from different groups to different groups.. i find that weird.. im like that.. i had a group in grade 9, 10.. than a different one in 11, and well.. a mix in between for 12... im a drifter.. you could say that.. i wouldnt disagree
im also a loner sometimes.. its funny.. im usually one who always wants to be with ppl, cause i didnt like being alone.. now i want to be alone.. i dont want to have friends cause they wont keep in the long run.. maybe a couple will.. but even than, its hard to say..

plus.. all of the teachers you meet, and new ppl too.. its fun when you think about it... i mean.. i can say that i've met some of the best ppl i could ever meet in the past 2 years... wish i had known them earlier.. but might as well get on with the present. dwelling on the past can be hazardous to your health!

anyway.. i just wanted to write some more... maybe i'll write another little story for you to laugh at.. seems like im good for a laugh.. tell if you want me too and i'll try and write one A.S.A.P
buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2003-04-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

i havent been here in a while..
yah.. that was a story.. i guess it's really hard to tell.. i mean.. i call it a tale at the end and everything.. i can understand how you cant tell its a story *sarcasm*
im glad someone might have actually liked the story.. i dont fucking come onto your blogs and make fun of you now do i?
actually.. im not going to demean myself by bitching at you.. i enjoy whining once in a while aimee snow.. i mean.. im sure you dont do it ever. not you.. not ever.. so everyone else must not whine either.
yes.. im prolly being a bitch.. and yes you must think me one.. but i dont care anymore.. no point in being false right?
sa whatever you want.. i dont care anymore.. as i've written before.. many times prolly.. im not going to react.. not now.. i've grown up.. (sorry.. am i whining again?)
oh yah.. go and tell everyone about me saying aimee's name.. i mean.. holy shit if i do something chaotic might happen! like.. ppl know someone i know is named aimee!! eeek!!! stop the presses!!
im too tired, and i shouldnt be writing.. cause i am a bitch when im tired and im liable to say something that might offend someone.. i think i already have..

im 18 soon.. cant wait.. dont know why.. i guess just being another year older is "cool" haha.. i see you still come here brittany.. why? im one of the boring ppl.. i dont have a life.. and i hardly ever write on here.. but.. whatever.. come on if you like.. laugh at everything i write and tell your friends about it.. nice to know someone id actually talkin about me.. hahaha

anyway.. im heading off to bed... tonight was a major piss ass night.. plus i think i have something wrong with me.. ive been having thes pains.. it starts in my rib cage, just below my breasts, then goes down to my lower stomach and works its way into my back.. the pain is in all of these places at the same time.. if you might now whats wrong with me.. let me know.. it lasted for 20 minutes yesterday morning at 3:30 am..
buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2003-03-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

umm.. wrote in my guestbook, considering someone told me to before.. :D

nothing really happening here.. went to a hotel and got drunk.. haha it was actually awesome.. gotta love your friends.
wrote something.. if you want to see it, see it.. if you dont, than dont read on from here.....

no title as of yet

The pain was unbearable and yet she kept on. There was no time for stopping, no time for sleeping, no time for eating. Run, run, run. That was all she could do. They were all hunting her. No one bothered to know who she was, why she was being hunted, they only knew greed. She slipped and cried out as she hit her arm on a sharp rock. Struggling up, she ran, but not as fast. She had been running for too long, her breathing was laboured, and she had thrown up twice. She heard yelling. Panic seized, and nerves rattled. Nowhere to hide, all that was left was a tree. Climbing higher and higher, she finally got to the top, almost to the very top, when she heard yelling. Looking down, there were dogs. Fear replaced panic. She was stuck in a tree, the only way to go was to jump or be caught. Jumping would give her a 50/50 chance at survival or death. Going down would mean death. She slowly went down the tree. There was no other way. Why not die feeling that pain that hurtled through her. The one she loved betrayed her, made empty her heart, and now there was nothing. Why keep fighting. Life would be worth nothing now anyway. She heard the yelling, and then hands from all over were grabbing, reaching, pulling. Downwards she fell, and then all that was felt was pain. Rocks, sticks, feet, hands. Everything and anything was used that could cause harm. She felt the blissful darkness of death reach for her. I’m coming, she whispered softly.

That’s the end of this sad little tale… Tell me what you think…
*~shanshan~*

2003-02-27T18:27:00.000-08:00

didnt say you had to change now did i?

*~shanshan~*

2003-02-25T18:14:00.000-08:00

aha.. i am sooo not a slut... i was trying to be funny.. *rolls her eyes* is that all you think about?? i mean.. come on.. grow up...

"oh shannon you are the same as you always were and you havent changed a bit at least not writing wise" (aimee)
sure i have,.,.. i just dont really care what you ppl think when i write.. and thats really different from before.. cause i said i didnt.. buti did.. deep down anyway... but now its more of a.. i'll talk about whatever i want to talk about.. and you can think whatver you think and i dont give a shit... :D
sooo... yah... neither have you.. not really... but meh.. i dont really look at your site... sorry.... no time really... plus.. i just lost interest.... you guys are exactly the same as you were in like... gr.10... maybe im exaggerating.. but thats how it seems to me anyway...nothing more to say.
*~shanshan~*

2003-02-14T19:26:00.000-08:00

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! i just wrote a fucking blog and it was deleted.. and now i dont even want to write it back over again! overall
my brother gets too violent when he drinks.. id rather him smoke fucking pot... but his friends do too, adn they fight eachother.. stupid guys.... and yah.. i did stuff when i was drunk that i prolly wouldnt do sober.... maybe...
dont write me, me, and me3.. i dont know who the fuck youare so right your names.. ytou may not want to.. well i guess i cant do a thing about that...
and............ happy fucking Valentines day... stupid dumb day >:(
*~shanshan~*

2003-01-22T12:03:00.000-08:00

i find it interesting how you lose common sense when you get drunk, and totally fucked up by weed....
dont go anywhere alone if you are weak, and dont let people lead you away.. that happened to me, and i dont want it to happen to you... dont let them talk you into doing something you dont really want to....
but,, that was my fault, cause i was drunk, and stupid./.. :D
i cant undo what happened, but i can make sure it doestn happen again...
i still like doing the usual stuff... drinking and that.. but just make sure you do it with friends... well.. like close friends, so you're not really alone.. haha.. listen to me.. :P
bah... anyway.. not much to say really...
congrats to whoever still comes here... im glad you care...
buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-12-22T22:38:00.000-08:00

mmm its about 1:30 in the morning, and i am reallly pissed of.. i just wrote a big rambling and it wouldnt send because it was to big, and i lost it all.. grrrr... fucking computers... but where would i be without it.. ? haha the computer has become my life.. how pleasant for me. but just in case you were wondering, my other ramble was about the rudeness and selfishness of the human race. I hate the fact that there are so many people out there who can say they are the one and onlys, and yet they aren't. I try not to be a hypocrit but its hard, because i will say that i dont like people making fun of others, and being rude to others because of the people they know, and yet i have done it also. I hate when i see someone lashing out at another person, and i hate it because i know what it feels like to be the brunt of everyone's jokes, and the one who has felt the pain that being called names has caused. Sure you other people have been called names, and im not saying you haven't, but i can also be pretty sure that you havent gone through what i've gone through. I hate the sadness that comes up every now and then because i dont want it to be there. Yet it still comes up to haunt me, because i dont think it will ever go away.. The feeling of hate, sadness, pity, repulsiveness, disgust, etc, when i think of myself. This image has only been instilled because of the cruelty of the teenage youth. I will never completely be free to feel comfortable in front of others with what i would consider them to think ugly. The feeling of needing to look good to be good wont go away, because it hasnt gone away in what.... 9yrs.. maybe more..
i have always been made fun of, and i have accepted the fact that i am not perfect in other peoples eyes, but i cant accept that fact in my own eyes. I wish that noone had to go through the pain, hurt, and confusion that i have felt. It's wrong to make people feel like that, and people shouldnt have to feel like that. If you have been made fun of, than you know the pain it can cause if you go through it all of the time, being constantly reminded of your ugliness.
Anyway, im sorry for carrying on, but i needed to get this off of my chest, and this is the only real place i go to get rid of my inner thoughts... i should make a new one, so noone can read this.. that would be a good thing.. duh, cause than you wouldnt know what i felt, and that would be good, because i wouldnt have people giving me sympathy cause of my "selfish" thoughts..
*~shanshan~*

2002-12-21T15:30:00.000-08:00

haha... clare.. you goof... i will if you really wnt me too.. i hope they arent to expensive..
*~shanshan~*

2002-12-13T17:10:00.000-08:00

i can understand your point on why your friend was prolly disgusted. and that is i guess a reasonable explanation. so u do have high self esteem and that, and im happy for you. But that doesn give you the right to put people down because they may be depressed... heres a poem that i wrote today... its not as morbid as my other ones, wahoo!!

A Friend
The crying wont help
The tears wont stop.
The looks on their faces,
begin to slop.
They look with disgust, at the thing you've become,
all because;
of someone.
The person is dumb,
Not to be recognized.
Yet when you think of the words, that came from the mouth;
You feel numb.
Dont listen to lies,
For the make you cry.
You cant hide the fact
That you'd rather die.
But into your life, someone comes,
Who laughs with you, sing with you, even hums.
The tears are now,
The tears of happiness;
As you see what love has done.

and no i did not write this after i read your guestbook entry, i wrote it in class when i was upset, and had a friend there who helped me out....
*~shanshan~*

2002-12-12T13:38:00.000-08:00

the good thing is that you get my point and i get yours. But it is hard for people to get up and just change their lives, trust me, i know. But i am changing my life, sort of, at least. i am trying to change it... :) But then again, i dont understand why your friend would look at you with disgust? they should try and be there for you. Sure it might make you sad having people always be sorry, and tip-toey around you, but they shouldnt look at you with disgust. And again, you may not think its medical.. good.. then at least thats yourm opinon, but you just said again, that, oh you have food, and a warm bed, and there are people around you who are dying of starvation, but that isnt the plain reason for depression. Maybe you think depression is people being sad about their life, and that. Its true yes, but they can change their mood, but it is hard. and saying that you have a warm bed and shit doesnt always help! you may not have depression, but the person who does thinks the EXACT same way as you.
I have clothes, food, a home, a bed, a family, but they dont see that and keep it there. It all turns around again, and they see all of the shit that has been heaped on them, and the see people like you, mwho think they are stupid, because someone says they have depression.. i'm sorry.. i just dont like what you say.. and im not trying to make you change your mind.. wait.. yes i am, but im trying to get you too look at what yo are talking about.. and see that it is wrong.. but believe what you want too.. its not up to me what you believe or dont believe......
*~shanshan~*

2002-12-11T12:08:00.000-08:00

I can understand that you think depression is people feeling sorry for themselves because that is one part but you shouldnt think that is all it is. There isnt just one type of depression and there are people who actually suffer from it. Plus, how can you just assume that the person who cut their arms is doing it because they find it would be interesting to think they have depression in their lives.. that is stupid. The person amy cut their arms, wrist, whatever, because they just do it. You cant say that teenagers dont have depression, because im sure that there are people out there who have serious depression, and the only reason i am getting upset is because of the fact that you make people who have depression sound .... well.. pathetic. how do you know whats going through their minds? youn have no clue so you shouldnt just base your judges on what you think about something... maybe read the facts, and then say something about how you still dont believe it's true... what you say sounds to me like you dont believe AIDs is a problem, because people choose to have sex, so its their fault.. exaclty, that isnt true, so look at facts and than argue. dont sit there and say that depression is stupid, and that teenagers dont really have it. Sure you can get rid of it, but its not all your fault. They probably feel guilty for thinking about themselves, and like i said before... dont just assume that all they think os is themselves.... if this is aimee, well i thought you would be more intelligent, but if this is someone else, i would have hoped you would have at least looked at facts, and than agreed with brittany. I show contemp towards people who decide to assume something about someone because they have a medical condition. Just because you realized you were stupid, and didnt have depression doesnt mean that he person who believes they might doesnt. Anyway, im done dealing with stupidity.
*~shanshan~*

2002-12-10T20:41:00.000-08:00

this is one of MY poems, though i dont know what i should call it.. can you help me wit a name? if anyone comes here anymore.. i cant think of one.. what do you think?

The pain thats here wont last forever
But for now
its all i can stand.
The unwavering sadness that overwhelms,
Like an ocean wave that swells and swells
It's like a dream I cant wake up from.
Everything so false and eery,
They allsmile smiles of friendship
But in their eyes I see the lies
As one by one
They realize
Who i am.
Surprised to see the lifeless eyes
And unsmiling face,
As they open their mouths to scream.
What have they done.
Why cant they see, what their evil games have done to me.
The pain they've caused, the tears they made,
The fear of life all alone
Because now all i am
Is one big stone.

~shanshan~*

2002-12-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldnt cry
The way you did today.
While thinking of the many things
We didnt get to say.
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you.
And each time that you think of me
I know you'll miss me too
But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand
And said my place was ready
In heaven far above
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love
But when i walked through heaven's gates
I felt so much at home
When god looked down and smiled at me
From his great golden throne
He said "This is eternity
And all I've promised you"
Today for life on earth is past
But here it starts anew
I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past
So when tomorrow starts without me
Dont think we're far apart
For every time you think of me
I'm right here in your heart.

*~shanshan~*
and no i did not write that.. im not that good!

2002-11-30T21:14:00.000-08:00

hello hello.. didnt do much tonight.... pretty boring.. though i do have alot of work i need to get done for school..ahhh im freaking out.. i have an essay due tuesday, and i havent even finished our surveys.. shit shit shit.. :(
but meh.. we'll see what happens,. talk ot ya later.. i dont have much to say.. im tired, and its like.. 2 in the morning.. i have to get up early for a christmas party with the family.. :D anyway....oh yah, amelia,.. i havent seen it yet.. but i'll let you know what i think of it when i do see it.. :P
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

mmmm interesting interesting.... i hate going to the doctors.. :( it makes me scared.. i have to go again this thursday, but thats alright.
the doctor is supposed to make you better.. :D though sometimes he cant.. which is sad.. for the people who cant be made better.. poor people.. i feel bad for em....
well.. i have an ISU due next week.. i wonder what im gonna do.. damn all this work..
well.. i have nothing important to write about and i cant think.. see ya
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-24T18:30:00.000-08:00

go ahead and dont post, and not alot of stuff you said was wisdom anyway..
your welcome amelia.. did you enjoy them?? i hope so! hehehe
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

yep.. ok. keep telling yourself that brittany.. i thought you of all people would at least be more intelligent about stuff like this. its pretty disappointing.
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

it seems to me like you have no clue what depression is than brittany.. because you called someone who has it pathetic. dont say shit like that until you read the facts.. people who have depression have it because of a mental healt problem. they arent getting enough seratonin in their brain, so maybe you should figure out what yer talkin about and then come back, because yer ignorant when it comes to depression, if you think someone is pathetic for having it
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-21T11:52:00.000-08:00

" thats what im talking about though! if you cut your VEINS there is a purpose, to kill yourself. If you just cut your arms there is not real purpose other that to have people notice the cuts. It solves nothing. If you want pain it is much more fulfiling to be destructive. punch a tv screen, that will give your real pain and blood. also solving nothing though, but takes a bit more guts."

ok.. it was just a poem, but seeing as how you're taking it farther, i have to say that what i said earlier still sticks, because in the poem, the person cutting their arms was doing it for a purpose.. they didnt want to kill themselves.. they hadnt thought that far, they dont want to kill themselves, but they wanted to cause pain. not everyone will notice the cuts, because you can easily hide it from other people, its not like they were going to show it off. the poem was about an individual, they dont want to be destructive to other objects. its trying to show that some people are destructive to themselves, and they hide it. it takes a lot of guts to cut up your own arms, i think. who cares about a stupid tv, youd have to give a reason why your hand and arm are all bandaged up, and shit.. doing that would cause more curiosity than cutting up your arms, cause it is easier to hide your arms.
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-19T17:53:00.000-08:00

ummm.. well.. to kind of answer your question, when i wrote that poem i wasnt really thinking of suicide... and cutting up the arms was supposed too show that the person didnt want to kill themselves, they just wantedto inflict pain...
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-14T14:45:00.000-08:00

nope.. i wish i had// its funny, but no i didnt...

*~shanshan~*

2002-11-12T18:27:00.000-08:00

here is another wierd and dioriented umm.. poem of mine... :D enjoy

PAIN
I grab the knife that is the sharpest,
not the one with a smooth end, for it would do no damage.
A smile appears on my face, as i close and lock the bathroom door.
I stand and stare at the mirror.
Anger and disgust looks back.
Slowly i take the sharpened end of the knife, and drag it across the skin of my arm.
Lower.
Elbow to wrist,
Wrist to elbow.
Slice a bit here, slice a bit there.
No puncture of the skin, but close.
Pain spears through my arm, and yet i do not withdraw.
The pain feels ..... wonderful.
The pain i inflict causes me to sigh.
Nerves relax, and my arm goes slack.
Looking down i see a mesh. There is no skin,
just a pale fleshy piece of nothing.
Tears slide down my cheeks unnoticed,
I slump to the ground and curl up into a ball.
There is no place to hide from what I feel;
Pain.

*~shanshan~*

2002-11-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

Friend,
When you are sad.....
I will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue.....
I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile.....
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared.....
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried.....
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused.....
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick.....
I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall.....
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath.....I pledge 'til the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!
P.S.
A really good friend will help you move a body.

hehe umm.. amelia.. i have noclue.. but umm.. yah i know hes fucking hot! thats why i like working with him.. :) but he has a g/f.. :(
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-06T17:15:00.000-08:00

its funny how people stop coming to my blog, when something i write isnt about the guestbook, and its just something that am thinking of.. and is good..... meh.. not like i care anyway. im glad noone is reading the shit i write, because than i might have a big problem, with them not understanding what i mean and shit.. i know clare said she might come on here and have a look see... if she does
hi clare!!!! how ya doin' old sport? *swings her curved arm*
Hahaha, clare, noone gets our sense of humour do they?
well.. i'm off
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-03T19:58:00.000-08:00

going to schoo tomorrow, and then on to that retreat that i've heard so much about. i am working on my essay for my Sociology class, and its funny, cause i never used to.. it would usually be me reading my notes over the next day or the night before.. good for me.. :)
i was trying to write a poem a little while ago, but nothing seems to inspire me. maybe something will come later, maybe not. who knows? umm i know that some people think i am a good writer, but you are wrong. i was told that i would be a writer if i can write essays, and you know what, i cant write essays, so there. that is how i know i cant write, i dont know why people think i can. what i write on here is mindless dribble, wellmost of it anyway. none of it is really inspirational, or done with talent. you can keep on thinking that but i dont. i always dreamed of becoming a writer. i know noone knows that, cause i never really told anyone, but everytime i read a book, i wanted to be the one who wrote it. i wanted to be the one to get satisfaction out of knowing that people read what i wrote and liked it. but i dont think it will ever happen, because i am not a writer. i have started so many so-called novels in my life, and i have never even reached the middle.. or the end. except for one. and that is gone. thrown into the pile of waste where it came from. to tell you the truth, when i realized that allmy work was gone, i was numb. all i could think of was all the hard work and thought that i put into it, and it was gone. like it had never even happened. not a trace of it to eb seen anywhere. than i felt like crying. it was something that i had started, and was eventually going to finish. it was even at its climax, but that is in the past. over and done with.
i dont seem to be able to get the energy up and start a new one, or try and write what i wrote before. though i do seem to have alotmof energy to write on here, its funny. i can write on here to people who prolly dont read this, and its only me, or i can start writing a book, and have lots of people read it, maybe, and like it. its funny how things work out isnt it? i thought so.
well i'm going now to write my essays, and study study study! i've turned over a new leaf, and instead of grey, i see yellow!
hahaha interesting isnt it?
buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

FREEDOM
Today is the day i cry.
Today is the day i die.
Tomorrow i see the tears.
Today i see the pain.
Tomorrow i see rain, and all i feel is terror.
Today is the day i fly;
away from all the pain and tears.
Today is the day i see freedom.
*~shanshan~*

2002-11-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

hehehe, i was reading over the messages in my guestbook, and i find them hilarious.. i cant believe that i even yelled at the insignificant remarks made on it.i laugh at myself, knowing that i should not have let stupid remarks that were mad get to me..
and everyone who bitched at me must not really understand anything about me, otherwise you wouldnt have bitched at me. you would have understood what i was saying, or just understood none of it has any meaning. there was no need for those lies that were told, nor was there any need to make fun of me because i am not as wonderful as you people.
i'm not shallow, nor am i self-centered. i dont need popular friends for crying out loud. ive known pretty much all of the "popular" people al through high school.. or do you not know that my brother is one of those "popular" people. i see them everyday, and i talk to them almost everyday. <--- that remark about me thinking they were my friends, and liked me really got to me, because i dont think that way at all. i'm friends with everyone, and i have some dumb notion about being your friend. but i know i'm not. how can i be friends with people i dont even talk to? its pretty stupid for me to think that i ever was your friend. u know i am not now, because we have seperated. all of us. and if any of you read this you will know exactly who you are. i dont talk to you, and the only real time i do, is to say hello, how are you, and all of that polite conversation that has been drilled into our minds. there is no friendship, and if there was you would never have called me self-centered, or shallow. you would have known that, that isnt me, and that what you were saying was a bunch of bull.. i can only, and only almost, relate to one of the "old" group. she and I talk, but never really talk. its actually really sad, but i have to go on with my life dont i? so i guess getting over the fact that the people i used to know are not really people i know now, is one big part. anyway.. i have nothing more to say. see you at school monday i guess. and i guess we'll go on with our acquiantances, and our hello's and how are you's
buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-10-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

well.. interesting night tonight.. no not really... but i just love this song that is playing.. it is called Lose Yourself.. by Eminem.. great.. it actually has a good point to it, and it is nice to listen too.. makes me happy.. for some weird reason.. maybe it makes me want to do something? maybe.... hehe... i'm really lazy... but why do people keep putting eminem down? i mean really, if you listen to his music some of it is quite sad, not to mention he isnt that bad.. i dont like rap, but i like some of his songs, and that has to say something.. right? people keep putting him down, and down, and yet he still keeps going.. why? because it is what he wants to do, andhe doesnt care what others say about him. He does swear alot, but just listen to some of his damn songs.. and its not like other music "artists" dont swear... pretty much everyone swears.. he just likes to swear alot, and thats prolly cause of the shit life he had with his mom, whom im seeing as a little no; very mentally unstable... and i feel bad for him.. but enough about him,
as people prolly already know i have stapled my pants together on the side by my right ankle, cause it split up the side. i am to lazy and forgetful to get it sewn.. and to tell the truth i really dont care, but now i am starting to, because the staple have cut up my leg.. damn staple.. why are they so sharp and pointy... all those confusing questions..
another song that i love right now is called Bandages, by Hot Hot Heat.. hahah i love this song.. it makes no sense, but i love it.. i recommend you listen to this song.. :) you might not like it in the beginning, but it'll grow on you, like some kind of exotic fungus..
thats what it did to me anyway.. i dont know about you.. but.. umm.. i think that is all i have to say right now.. .. nope there is.. my damn mid term for chemistry, i cant believe i didnt pass.., i actually studied and understood everything.. sort of :)... but i still failed.. not miserably, but still.. i mean.. i only needed another mark to pass.,.. *sigh* i guess tomorrow will have to be my make up test.. cause we have a test tomorrow in chem.. and i studied, so i should be good!! pray for me! and thanx if you did.. hehe.. well.. only people who pray should pray... pray to your non-existent God, that doesnt help u...
i will right later on.. look for me in thenext couple of days.. maybe i will be interesting? maybe not.. you'll never know if you dont come back... haha............. oh and to Brittany, or Amelia, or whoever said they knew i was a virgin... i dont understand why you would even think i wasnt? i mean.. christ.. is it not noticeable? but anyhow
Buh Bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-10-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

well.. i am in a mood to just ramble.. so i am going to ramble.. today is ummm october the 26, and it is now 11:39, well it should be 12:39, but the hour has changed, it has gone back an hour, so that gives me an extra hour of fun!! yah.. fun.. ok.. anyway... umm.. oh yah!! i think ive told everybody, but i'll tell them again.. i am dropping biology. why? you say, because if i dont i will fail, and idont want a failing mark on my report card, and i'lll then look dumb... somone told me that i couldnt drop it, and that i couldnt have two spares. i was like. what?that not true, its only true if you have 2 in the same semester, and i dont.
i a dumb, yes, but i dont want to look that dumb.. you know what i mean? good i'm glad you do..
i am in one fo those, i am happy, but i feel like crap moods, i get those alot nowadays.. thats wierd,. though you'd never tell at school cause im always happy. haha, i have to try and stop that.. i mean sheesh.. people look at me and say, why is she always happy, doesnt she feel pain, or anger, or just havea bad day.. holy shit, shes always fucking smiling, stop smiling you freak!
haha.. i feel sorry for people who think that way.. i think that way.. haha so i must feel sorry for myself.. right?? no.. i dont, cause i'm not self-centered, or spoiled.. well i am more spoiled than others, that is true....but i'm not so spoiled to think the world revolves around me. i'm an idiot to.... cause i love the internet.. its like a friend to me.. hehehe, no.. its more like an escape route.. wehre i can go and be someone totally different.. well try and be someone totally different. i can go on adn say whatever the hell i want, and i dont care.. unlike in 'real life' where i wal;k around on my tip toes, not jsut to look taller. hahah
yah i am a rambler, and i'm sorry if this is confusing.. i am like that alot.. i'm still upset about what happened with Big Kyle. *sigh* i guess i'm not good enough.. meh, i know it, i just wish it wasnt true.. you know, how you wish something wasnt true, evem though you knew it was true? yah.. thats how i feel... i'm prolly gonna be one of those 35 yr old women, who go on the internet looking for love.. haha that would be funny, but the sad thing is i can actually see my self being like that.. thats kind of really sad.. awe well.. lifes a bowl of shit, dont eat it..
haha i made that up, and it is the stupidest thing i have ever said/written, ahahaha..
if you cant tell. i'm really tired.. thats pretty weird.. i'm hardly ever tired at this hour.. well.. see you later.. hope oyu enjoyed my ramblings... buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-10-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

haha maybe someone sexed me up?? hehe maybe. but i dont think so.. oh and yah.. i am a virgin.. how could you think otherwise,, i am stunned..
who is this?
*~shanshan~*

2002-10-22T19:49:00.000-07:00

well hello hello, hows all my.. umm.. sort of./.. friends? good? good...... my day was ok.
i stayed home from school today cause i am not feeling all that well, maybe it has something to do with never getting my period?? hmmm....... and no im not pregnant, i can only get pregnant if 1. i have sex 2. i dont use protection, and 3.ummmmm if i have sex.....
which i havent.. so dont you worry about me.... hahaha well i'm done talking for now.. see y'all later.. :)

*~shanshan~*

2002-10-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

yah.. i kind of figured it wasn't to you, cause i know i didnt write one to you... i was just wondering what the note was.. it was for suzy right? cause thats the only note i wrote.. anyway.. see ya

*~shanshan~*

2002-10-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

so i went to see the movie
White Oleander.. or however you spell it.. i'm not really sure.. :)
but it was pretty good.. i was told that the movie was pretty bad, compared to the book, but isn't that alwyas true?>>?? anyway, don't reads the book, and go see the movie.... then youll prolly like the movie.. i guess it depends on what kind of moviesu like... it was pretty sad...... meh....

*~shanshan~*

2002-10-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

what note in the quiet room?? idon'tknow what it was.. let me know man. thanx

*~shanshan~*

2002-10-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

sohowsco-opgoing???havingfun?

*~shanshan~*

2002-10-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

howwasibeingrude?iwasjustlaughingatwhatyousaid!sheesh

*~shanshan~*

2002-10-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

haha good one amelia!

*~shanshan~*

2002-09-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

ok.. and i'm suppsed to know whos who?? you both just write '.'
how the hell am i to know who you are ??
duh duh duh!!!
*jokin*
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

haha. ok.. i wont say masturbating.. but you are the one who brought it up.. and i'm not going to answer that question, cause its none of your business..
don't come here anymore brittany.. there.. your problems are solved./.. amazing!
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

umm.. i guess masturbating could be considered.. hmmmm never really thought of that.. thanx..

and ummm... right,, well.. see ya,,
*~shanshan~*

oh yah.. that last thing i did write and i was only ina bad mood when i wrote it... what? noone can have their down moments?

2002-09-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

actually.. i don't feel sorry for myself at all.... always mixed messages. sheesh..

Dreams and Realtiy
The darkness of a shadow stands alone in the night.Upon a swing
rocking back and forth alone on the sweet August night.Alone the wind
plays in his hair as he looks up to see the one most dear to him
disappear in the beast the day before, yet there she is as she
apporached toward him in the most clearset form.No smile comes forth
but a tear is all.His whispers unheard and his thoughts clean and
untouched.What torture and misery must his dreams play on him now as
the sweet young innocent being comes fourth.He contuies to ignore her
as he prays to awake.A cold yet warm hand is placed upon his
cheek.The rain from his eyes storm down his cheek as he stands up and
embraces her.Why must his dreams always wait till the end?As he
decides its too much he pushes away and diaaparears in the darkness
which he came...
Brittny R. May 9, 2002

2002-09-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

what do you mean by why am i so obsessed with things i don't have?? i don't understand that.. kindly explain it to me.. :)
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

someon i know told me something that everyone should read, and see..

It does not matter what other people think of you. Inner peace starts with you. If you judge yourself on others opinions you will get a distorted view of yourself. People are fickle and their opinions change daily. If you base your self worth on others then soon you will lose track of who you are. Also, basing yourself on others views is very presumptuos. There is no possible way to determine what another person is thinking. Know thyself. To thine own self be true. Many people have trouble, sifting through their own minds to form organized, intelligent, and coherent opinions. In short, and to cut through the bullshit, form an honest opinion of yoursself and discard the negativity. The more you are down on yourself the worse the opinions. People base their opinions on you by how you see yourself.
*signed* Anonymous!

Everybody should read that, and then think of how they act, and change.. going through life being negative all the time is pointless, and only ruins you.

*~shanshan~*

2002-09-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

if people weren't jerks, and wrote shit that shouldn't be written, i wouldn't get upset would I????

i didn't think so....
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

i wont back down.. i'm just stating what i want you to do.. i know it doesn't mean that your going to stop coming here, just cause i say so.. and i'd still know that you people came here, so there isn't a point...
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

k.. well.. now i'm confused cause i talked to your mom about the dolphin thing, and she told me that i didnt have to worry about it.. i don't get it.. she now wants the money?? thats really weird.. but i guess i should've figured that would happen..
and how about everyone not come here anymore. i don't need to be hassled by people like you...

heres a poem that i like.. actually heres a couple that i like..

A life of luxury,
A life of fame.
A life of struggles,
A life of shame.

While some are wearing top
fashions like Eddie Bauer,
Others struggle for a
decent meal, change of
clothes and shower.

While some worry about how
they will pay next month's
bill,
Others are on the streets
fighting the high wind
chill.

While some teens work hard
to pay off their post-
education fees,
Other young teenage girls
face early motherhood and
pregnancies.

While some doctors deliver
babies and witness the
miracle of birth,
Other babies are killed
before getting the chance
to see earth.

There is still some hope
that one day our doubts
will be answered by a God,
Until then, remains
questions why things
in this world
are so odd.

great poem.. i think.. :)

ACCEPT ME

I am I...
Do not change me
condemn me, nor put me down.
ACCEPT ME for what I am.
No...you need not agree with me
But accept me.
For I am total in being.
I have my faults, i have my guilts
But that is who I am.
Perfect I will never be.
Allow me to be uninhibited.
Do not pressure me into feeling
what I do not feel.
ACCEPT ME when i am flying high
As I have accepted you
when you were flying high.
Do not put me down...
nor make me feel unhappy about me.
I am I...
and I like being what I am...
ME
by: Larry S. Chengges.

*~shanshan~*

2002-09-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

yes.. lets.. you just seem toknow everything brittany. im happy for you., you're life will be wonderful..
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

umm. nope clare.. i was talking about the blog that Karen and Amelia made.. and i was only joking around..
yah sure whatever you say brittany
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

yah hi karen.. umm .. i am wondering how you get that i owe your mom 200 dollars?? i gave her 1025 and so i only owe her 100 dollars.. can you explain to me why you think 200? and i only get into fights with people cause they act stupid and shouldnt be opening their big mouths.. and yes i know amelia.. blah blah blah.. i don't want to write in here anymore anyway..
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

i thought i'd say that Karen, and Amelia, your blog sux ass.., usually when you make a blog you make an attempt to write in it.. or something at least.. anyway.. bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-09-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

well. hello again.. i was told to post on here so people could keep making fun of me..
we went back to school on tuesday.. yay! i just love schoool.. dont you?>?? *sarcasm*
i have chemistry, Biology, Drama, and Sociology.. not to bad i guess... i'm trying harder in school this year.. hehehe..
but.. umm.. thats all i really have to say... buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-08-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

heyeverybody! just so there is no confusion... i went to cuba wit Karen.. :) fun fun fun... we did plenty of stuff together... didn't we Kare?? anyway... i liked it there.. it was really really nice.. and the people were too!! the heat was pretty frustrating sometimes.. but thats what you get in Cuba!! :) i would have loved to stay longer. maybe i'll go again next summer.. maybe not.. though my brothers friend Herb said that they were planning on going away next summer and he said that i can go with them!! wahoo!! they prolly wont cause they have no money,, but it would be fun anyway!! Herbs a cutie... and i dont mean hes sexy as in hot.. :) but hes cute as in can be funnny, and nice..... though he isn't bad to look at either...... :) anyway.. gotta go.. see ya around... maybe... :)
buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-08-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

hey everybody!! i'm back from cuba!! anybody miss me?? of course you did... hehehe.. anyway.. i'm tired, and i'm going to go to bed soon.. just thought i'd let you all know that i was back... see you later.. buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-08-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

haha. i had to write back to justins guestbook signing.. thanx for the apology.. lots of people wouldnt even bother.. and i can't believe you actually came back to read this.. i bet you didn't read it all. and i know it sux... i guess i'm still as unentertaining as before.. awe well.. i like your blog though.. i think that its funny.... sorry i bored you.. i really have nothing exciting to write about.. though i am going to Cuba in two days!! yay!! i'm happy!.. anyway.. i'll write in here wehn i get back. buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-08-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

i wasn;t but karen wanted me to do the test... and i'm not going to anymore...i just thought i'd tell anyone who cared that i am going to cuba in 6 days!!! ahhhh!! on sunday the 11!!!! yay!!
see ya all later!!
*~shanshan~*

2002-08-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

I'm Rogue
What X-Men Character are You?

hehehehe!! karen i got what i wanted!!! yay!! i like rogue the best!! shes awesome!!!!! :)
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

no it isn't on my ankle,it's on my back, to the right,so it is close to my right shoulder..... and there isn't any significance... except that i like crescent moons,and i like stars...so i really like the night....
*~shanshan~*
whyd you think it was on my ankle??

2002-07-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

alright..you guys are making me seem false..i said i wasn't going to write on here, and now i am!!! grrr...anyway, that tattoo is of a crescent moon, and a star.. the star is supposed to be a shooting star, but it willbe detailed later on, cause i need to go and get it coloured..when i do that it will look better..but anyway,... thanx amelia! i feel happyknowing that you were worried!! hehehe.. and i'm goin to cuba on August 11,for 1 week!! and it was freakin expensivetoo!!1124$
anwyay!! gotta go!! sees ya later!!!!
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-27T18:16:00.000-07:00

k, i lied big time!!! this willbe my last post for a while..
ummm..i guess im pretty funny at times brittany, thanx.. i try my best....
k.i went to Wasaga on friday.came back saturday..and guess what,.. you might not believe me, but it's true.. i got a tatoo!!!! ahhh!! heheheh i'm going in a little while to get it coloured in.but i'm so happy!! and i really like it too..:D
anyway.. thought i'd share that with yall..
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-26T06:30:00.000-07:00

well..thanx Amelia..luv you too

i'mnot going to be writing hereforawhile..soi thought i'dbe considerate and tell all of my adoring fans that.
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

hello everybody!! i am back!! and i'm burnt!! :(
but it's all.... good!!!! hehehe
sorry for worrying you Amelia, i was away for the past 5 days.. i went to Wasaga!! hehehe.. it was soo much fun!!! i even went skinny dipping!! i know... i actually got the courage to go, and it was sooooo much fun!! hehehe.... plus we picked up some guys.. and then went swimming and drinking with them, and i got drunk!! hahaha, i am such a moron when i'm drunk.. of course, i wasn't like totally gone, cause i remembered what happened the night before, and well, i wasn't really feeling sick when i laid down.. but anyway!! it was fun, and i want to do it again.. and i prolly will on Friday night, cause my mom and I are going back to pick up the girls.,.. and we'll be staying until saturday... hehehe, maybe i'll be able to see the guys again, i like jody, he was really cute, but so was Jeff.. and yes.... his name was Jody,,,, hehehe..wow, i never really realized how .....'open' my other friends were... and it was soo funny how they actually talked to people that they didn't even know........ but anyway, i'm writing to let everyone know that I'm back, and i guess my blog is going to be boring again.. sorry... and as i told you before brittany, i am not 'one of those people'
and i'd appreciate it if you didn't give out my name.. cause that was the dumbest thing to do.....or whoever did it..you can keep it to your own name.. thanx...
ciao!
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

Brittany, i kind of find it hard to believe that you sit at home on your computer for long periods of time, and don't go out with friends.......... thats all i can think of to say.. and you seem to imply that i'm over dramatizing my problems... please explain how i'm doing this, if ya don't mind
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

umm.. i don't think i really thought of telling the whole story... i was sort of just writing to whatever the person had written, and i just wanted to let her know how i felt... guess that would have been good eh?? hehehe
i'm soo bored.. but i'm a little freaked, cause i need to bring my passport thingy in, and well i'm leaving in like a month.. not even, so i'm worried i wont have it in time!! :( i hope i do!! oh yah, for everyone who does not know, i am going to Cuba!! yay!! well.. that is if i have my passport, which i hope i will!! everyone pray for me!! hehehe
gotsa go, see y'all later! buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

interesting story brittany.. whered you get the idea to write it?? and thanx Amelia..i'm glad your there to set me straight.. i never would have thought to actually try and change... i mean.. wow! what insiteful knowledge!!! **i was being sarcastic, just so ya know, i'm playing around, no need to get offended.....**
i am trying to change myself silly.. i was just stating the facts.. i'm not that slow, but thanx...

*~shanshan~*

2002-07-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

i didn't say she was feeling pity for me.. she said people who did this stuff.. or whatever, i don't remember ecxactly what she/he wrote, but that people who do this want attention.. and i don't want attention, that was all that i was saying....
i find your last blog very funny brittany.. i never really pegged you to do that... you don't seem the type...
thanx for the spelling correction 'goddess' nice name........

*~shanshan~*

2002-07-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

First things first.. did i say i was Anorexix?? however you spell it i don;t know.. but no i did not.... did i say i had an eating disorder.. no i did not... so i don't know where you figured thats what i meant. i was simply writing in my blog about what i did.. plus i know im not telling the whole world about me, cause it's only a select few that may actually read what i write, and the only majore people are you, and a couple of my friends who write in my Guestbook... and i really really want you to know.. and anybody else out there who thinks how you think, that they are wrong. i dont want your attention, i don't care about your attention, if i really wanted attention i'd probably rave about committing suicide, and crap like that... plus i know that there are other teenagers that are depressed, i didn't say i was just trying to give an example.. anyway.. i'm not going to be happy with myself because you tell me too, it just doesn;'t happen, i'm not happy with myself, and i'm fine that i have just told you.. i don't want or need your pity/sympathy whatever you want to call it.. it's the way i am, and will be the way i am.. i'm sorry if you dont like that...... anyway.. gotta go an sleep.. oh yah; who is this?? Aimee, bitty or Amelia?? or just someone i don't know?? cause i'd like to know if i know you, so i can know who thinks that way about me..
*~shanshan~*
p.s. alot of you people are taking what i say and turning it into something more meaningful... it isn't like that.. i just say what i want to say or just *write* what i figure i'll write..... bye

2002-07-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

i guess that is weird... why would it make you happy?? i didn't say anything that would make you happy... i don't think... but well.. ok.. i guess i should be happy that someone is happy... :)
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

hello hello..... i'm not in the mood to do much of anything today, for some odd reason... i got to work with the hottie today!! oh my gosh, he is really really sexy!! but of course, i know it wont go anywhere, i'll just have to dream......thats pretty much all i do anyway... it was really really slow at work for some reason... it was like I was there for 3 hours, and it was only 1hour... or something like that... :)
i don't think i'll be writing about what you write in my guestbook anymore, cause i don't care anymore.. and i am not the same as i used to be i think... i'm not eating alot which is a good thing, but a bad thing too, cause i am only eating two meals a day... like today.. i had a bagel toasted with butter ataround12:00pm i went to work for 2, and got back home at 730pm. i had dinner at like 750 and it was a bowl of pasta.. it is now 9:20, and i am not hungry!! yay!! maybe i'lll actually lose weight!!!
gotta go now, buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

ummm this is a request for someone who wrote to me on May, 03, 2001... you wrote private messages to me, and i've only just read them now.. i couldn't before, but i'm thinking it's you a* though i'm not to sure... write me an email when you read this k??? i don't know who wrote them to me... but i mean.. i want to know why you think that.. and if you could let me know i'd appreciate it.. thanx...

*~shanshan~*

2002-07-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

k, considering it's my blog i'll write how i want to write.... and i'm not trying to sound smarter than you, cause i know that im prolly not.. and you shouldn't just assume anything when you see something written..

*~shanshan~*

2002-07-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

i think this hit its mark too!! its me on TV!!

2002-07-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

hehe its me!!! and i loved her in the movie too!!! what a coincidence!! :D

2002-07-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

heheh i love it.. cause thats me!!!

2002-07-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

i wasn't talking to you amelia when i said 'i liked your emails' i actually meant to say her letters in my guestbook... oopsy.. sorry about that one..i wasnt thinking straight.. and you're the clueless one then, aren;t you???
anyway.. i'm going,... i figured i'd help your little brain understand i wasnt talking to you, but to Bitty :D

*~shanshan~*

2002-07-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

thanx Amelia.. anyway.. of course i liked your emails.. and i was getting mad because you were being stupid.. and it made me mad.. so i wrote to show you how mad i was

hehe clare your such a cutie!!! how's my Old Sport doing anyway!! miss ya a bunch!!! Would ya like a glass of milk??? hehehe

sorry, my mind is only one dimensional, so you'll have to excuse my slowness Bitty.... i never was one to have alot to talk about. and i don't care anymore what you write.. i'll write to them how i feel, and if you don't like how i deal with it.. then to bad.. it's the way i will act... and you seem to be making a big fuss of some of the things i say.. so i guess we aren't that different in that aspect eh???
well i have to go, i'm bored of trying to reason with you.. and Amelia, you're the one starting shit, again.. and i'm just gonna ignore whatever you say.. except when i feel like it.. so buh bye for now..
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

First of all Brittany, i am not making a big deal of something that is small... i am making a big deal of what i think is important.sorry if you're mind cant understand that.. and i don't want to delete my blog, or my guestbook.. i want people i don't know to write in it.. and i don't really care if you continue to write in it, you're just really annoying me!! andyway.. i dont talk about little things, and then decide i'm going to kill myself.. i hardly even talk ab otu that shit, so i hope your not talking about me when you say that, cause that would be reaklly erally stupid!!
well.. gotta go.. buh bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

Are you a ho? Find out @ She's Crafty

this might contradict me.. but awe well.. hehehe

2002-07-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

you're girl, interrupted. you're fun and friendly, and just a little bit crazy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the slinkstercool community.

hmmm.. now this has got to tell you something... hehehe

2002-07-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

now this must totally tell people what i'm like heheheh!! i love that quiz!! and i like sex... :Panyway!!!! i think the quiz is telling the truth!! *wink*wink*

2002-07-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty

hehe i like this one.. *wink*wink*

2002-07-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

Take the "what cereal mascot are you" quiz

By Milek

mmm.. i like Cap'n Crunch cerial.. it is pretty yummmy!!! yum yum yum

2002-07-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

mmm... i think this one is true too.. awe well.. i like Linus, isn't he the one who loves his blankey?? awe well..

2002-07-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

Who are YOU most like?

this was a weird one.. but meh.. i'm like wes??? ok.. hehehe.. damnit!! why am i like wes the american?? awe well.. what the meaning sasy is pretty true.. hehehe

2002-07-04T16:49:00.000-07:00

How Gay Are YOU? [?]

thats kinda wierd cause before i was only 10 %, i did it before .. awe well.. i am now 30% lesbian.. hehehe

2002-07-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

You're LUST! Sex, sex, sex! It's all you think about! You're not opposed to having more than one boy/girlfriend, and you're very flirtatious. You're represented by the color blue.

yes!! another good one!! i am soo totally cool!! hehehehe i love sex!!!! :)

2002-07-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

Which Kiss Are You?

YES!! finally something i can agree with!! phew!!! *wink*wink*

2002-07-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

You are 10% evil! [?]

That's right! You're the meekest of the meek! You're the least amount evil! The philosophy in ying and yang is that no one person can be completely good or completely evil, but you're pretty close to complete, goodie-two-shoes!

this one doesn't sit too well with me.. but awe well.. i am pretty evil though!! you've gotta believe me!!! :(

2002-07-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

i got this from a friends blog. and i figured what the hell.. might as well try the test... hehe i don't think the test is right though.. awe well....

Find your emotion!

2002-07-04T16:21:00.000-07:00

K, today wasn't the worst day... i got up at around 12:00, thank god.. i never get to sleep in so i was happy... and then i went and had a shower, then i dried off, got dressed and started to read one of my books.... i'm almost done it now... i then went out to Petticoat Creek, it is an area where a bunch of peoplego to swim, have picnics, and that type of stuff.. it has a giant pool, and i usually don't go swimming there because it is dirty, but today was really hot, and i wanted to swim, so i did... it was gross.. hehehe, so i ony stayed in for like 10-20 minutes.. my sister was ebing a pain in the ass, as usual... but anyway... i don't understand why people keep writing to me, if they think i'm an annoying pointless person?? there really is no point in writing to me.. sheesh... whats the point.. i don't understand why you take everything i say and turn it around.. there is no point in you writing to me if everything you say is against me.. so i would really appreciate it if you would stop writing in my guestbook.. and i mean brittany and Amelia.. thank u very much... i don't like being made fun of by other people, and if thats the way you are going to act towards me, then you can fuck off.... there.. i have said my peice and i feel much better about it.... thats all i can think of to write right now.. so good bye
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

ok, brittany i don't know what the fuck your talking about, because how the hell was i making fun of it! i was pointing something out about your email!! i wasn'tmaking fun of anything!! i don't know where the hell you got that from.. and amelia, you're the one who is starting a fight when you say you don't want to.. plus.. i wasn't 'lying', i don't know what your replying to but i am writing pointless bullshit yes.. that is what i like to do, if you have a problem then just stop coming to my blog. it's as simple as that.... but if youd like to explain to me about your comment in my guestbook, i'd apppreciate it plus... i'm not making up an excuse, or lying.. and if you think i'm annoying fine then,,, thats what u think....
*~shanshan~*

2002-07-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

k, amelia, i'm sort of confused as to what you wrote.. and elisha doesn't sound like a girl name.. but anyway, you didn't start a fight with me.. i don't know why you thought you did.. cause i was just writing about the reason why i wasn;t going out with him.. and no i'm not a lesbian.. sorry. i know that must suck for you.. ;) hehe
and Brittany, i didn't make fun of your non email.. when did i make fun of it?? i did no such thing..and why should i do that amelia? i write in this, because i want to.. i didn't think you guys would be coming here, and i like writing in here.. so i did.. anyway goot jet
*~shanshan~*

2002-06-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

k, amelia, you dont have to write an email.. and thanx for that sweet little note!! hehe
anyway, i think i know what you're talking about.. and its the thing that has to do with Elisha right/? first of all i didn't dump him cause he was cutting himself.. you totally misunderstood me, i was saying that i dumped him cause i couldn't go out with him anymore.. i didn't want to... and he wrote me an email sayiong that he went back to his usual ways and was cutting himself on the arms and stuff.. so i was mad, cause i thought thatv he was trying to make me feel guilty about dumping himr. but thats why i dumped him, not cause he was cutting himself.. i'm not heartless amelia... i can't believe that you would think that!
today pretty much sucked.. welllllll except for the swimmming and reading part.....but when i cam on here it went downhill... people really really don't like me.. andit's pretty depressing. i have apic up on the net, cause i'm all happy about having one, and i was told that i look really good in it. So i figure, hey, maybe guys'll talk to me!! yes!! but noooo.. they like the other girls in the pic, both of them, and it's not really funny either kiki.. i'm really depressed now.... but anyway.. i won't go further, cause i know that people i know are going to be reading this, so i'll make another blog, and write about the other stuff in there.. thats all i have today
*~shannon~*